That Kid.

I have no idea what I’m going to do with my life. Though while someone older will exclaim, “You’re still just a baby!” I beg to differ. In a year’s time I’ll be lost in the crowd of thousands of college freshman on a campus, and to be honest, that scares the hell out of me. Why do I do it? Clubs, APs, community service?  So I get into that same foreign college, alone and terrified. It astounds me how hard I try. Yet I have yet to make some sort of decision to what I want to do with my life quite soon. Psychology, dentistry, dermatology? UGA? UNC  Chapel Hill? Vanderbilt?

For some reason I think high school is the big finish. Take AP classes, do well, and you have succeeded in life.  But this is not true. Graduation is only the beginning, and if college is more rigor than a few AP classes I’m screwed.  I’m so burnt out; I don’t even want to think about graduate school, let alone medical school. I’m tired of school, of trying to be the best, and ever so slightly failing, because there will always be that one kid who’s better than you. Who tops your 4 with a 5. I never win, and I’m getting sick and tired of trying. That kid needs to just leave, graduate early, go to college with people who are actually academically on par with themselves, and just once fail. Just flat-out fail. And you know what? I’ll smile.

I’m jealous, of course, who wouldn’t be? I’m jealous that I have to bust ass for my grades, my SAT scores, my AP essays, while they just breeze on through.   It’s a challenge to compete with them (and with myself just as equally) to be on top. I’ve exhausted all my efforts into being the best in high school that I don’t even know want to think about college. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I’m so used to just being the best in high school.  

I’m tired of competing, but it’s a game, and I love it. When I study my ass off and I get a 97, and that kid gets a 95- victory. Sweet victory.